My Self Care Journey: Friendship is Difficult

tenor

I first became a mom at 20 years old. Looking back, I was literally a child having a child. Then, I became a mother again at 21, and again at 23 years old. Yeah, I enjoyed having sex. There I was with three beautiful girls all with golden blonde, curly hair. My three little angels.

Becoming a mother so young was difficult. Suddenly, everything that I knew in relation to friendships changed. Before I became a mom I was the girl who tagged along with my more extroverted friends to nightclubs and house parties. I spent hours (on my off days from work) walking around the mall swooning at clothing. My hair was pulled up into a sleek ponytail, and my makeup was on point! The next thing I knew, my arms were full of baby carseats and a diaper bag that was as large as a sack of rice. It was tough. Being a mother to three in diapers was hard, but losing my friendships with people my age was even more so.

As my days were filled with bottle feedings, diaper changings, and hours listening to Veggie Tales… my old friends began to fade away. Sure, we met up once or twice in the beginning, but it was difficult to relate to one another. I found myself yearning for friends and not finding anyone that I had much in common with. I wasn’t drinking, partying, or going out on dates. (Heck, in those days I was just glad to get 4 hours of sleep under my belt!). I didn’t know it then, but it was the start of me being a hermit for the next 10 years.

“Get out and join some mommy groups!” relatives would tell me, when I moaned about being lonely. So, I did. I went to those play groups with my children. While my toddlers played with the others, my infant daughter and I sat in the “Mommy and Me” circle. The other mothers in their 30s and 40s laughed and spoke about their aches and pains. They commiserated about their marriages and having to keep up on the house. My marriage was non-existent. I was married to the most vanilla person on the planet, and as a kinky person… we didn’t click at all. We didn’t own a house. We lived in an apartment with secondhand furniture, and worked odd hours just to barely keep ourselves afloat. And those aches and pains? I wasn’t feeling them (yet!). I was in my early 20’s. I was holding babies, but wanting to go to concerts and feel wild and free. I loved being a mom, but I had nothing in common with these women. So, play group stopped and again… I was alone.

Then, I turned to the internet to find friends. I like to say that meeting people online is like the Wild West. You aren’t sure if you’re going to meet someone lovely, or someone with way more issues than you! I’ve met both. Throughout my chaotic 20s much of my life was spent home, so meeting people online was the easiest way to connect. As I got older, I realized that making friends as an adult isn’t as easy as it was when I was a kid. Here are a few stumbling blocks that I came across. Perhaps you have too? 🙂 :

  • I would meet someone and they would tell me that while we get along, because I’m a girl and he is a guy, that we can’t be friends because I’m “temptation”. They only want to be friends with people of the same gender.
  • I would meet someone who appeared to be kind and lovely, but then wait for the very moment when they would “pounce” and ask me for sex.
  • I would meet someone who didn’t understand why they should have friends of the opposite sex. “Girls should have their girlfriends, and guys should hang out with the boys!”.
  • I would meet someone who would be fearful of being friends with me because I’m married. They would fear that my husband would get angry if we are close friends.
  • I would meet someone in the D/s lifestyle who wouldn’t want to be friends because I am a taken sub with a dominant.
  • I would meet someone who told me that online friendships never last. Why invest in a connection when you might never meet face to face?

But in my opinion, I disagree with ALL of these statements.

  • I believe that you CAN be friends with people of the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Or no sex. Or gender fluid. Or non-binary. I’m a rainbow kind of person. 🙂 Just come as you are. ❤
  • I believe that you can absolutely be friends with anyone WITHOUT having sex! You can also flirt and be loving without having sex too. Flirting isn’t an invitation to slip between the thighs. Instead, relax and flirt back! It’s all just loving, friendly banter. 🙂
  • I believe that the archaic image of girls being with girlfriends, and guys hanging out with the guys… is really just the vanilla-world’s insecurities about cheating and trust issues. If you are nervous about your partner hanging around with someone of the opposite sex, then likely you need to have an open, compassionate conversation about whatever fears you may have, because mixing males and females in a group isn’t a recipe for disaster.
  • I believe that anyone, (married or not!), can be friends with anyone else. Your relationship status should never be a deterrent to making a lifelong friend. And, if your spouse DOES have a problem with you having friends (especially of the opposite sex), then you need to have a conversation and sort things out. It all begins with trust and open communication. ❤
  • I believe that making friends, especially those in the D/s lifestyle, is important! We’re all kinky peeps in the same colorful boat. Taken or not, regardless of your D/s dynamic, we should band together. 🙂 In the large, vanilla world it’s nice to have people who understand your kinks and lifestyle.
  • Lastly, I believe that online friendships CAN be real, lasting, authentic, uplifting, healthy, positive…. IF both parties go into it with the right understanding and expectations. If you put it out there what you’re looking for, and the other person does too, does it matter if you ever meet face to face? 🙂 I’d like to believe that online friends are like digital pen pals. You may never meet, but you’re always a part of their heart!

So, have I figured out this friendship thing yet at 35 years old? No. Does it do a number on my anxiety and depression? Yes. But, will I give up hope that I can make friends? Absolutely not. ❤ My heart is open and willing, and like the movie, “Field of Dreams”, I’m just going to keep working and building myself up, because if I build it… friends will come. 🙂

Have a beautiful Thursday, everyone! ❤

Much love,

~Kitten xx

5 comments

  1. Girly I totally get it. I don’t have any of my own friends either, just a handful that are Wolfie’s friends (and all male lol) but you know what? It’s fine. I’ve even led on the floor with his beat mate, James once while Matt was working.. he was helping me install the lounge carpet! 😉
    I really hope that one day we will get to meet and drink tea and chat and laugh til the sun comes up, I think we’re cut from the same cloth and we would understand each other soo well. I don’t have kids but that was my choice. Perhaps ironically, I lost friends by NOT having kids lol. Keep your chin up, chicka, the right ones will come along 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Girl, I do too!! We will have an absolute blast when I can finally come across the pond and give you a gigantic hug. 🙂 For me, I think there is a need to have just a few, good friends (be it online or in person) that I can speak with, share life with, and just have a few good laughs. I feel like, deep down, humans aren’t meant to walk this life alone. So, if we can find people who want to share in our joys and sorrows, just as we share in theirs, then we are truly blessed. Sending you big squeezes, my dear friend and have a fantastic weekend!! Xx

      Like

      1. Hehe right? I think we will be closely watched though. Your Daddy and my Wolfie won’t let us have too much free reim for long! You’re absolutely right, loneliness can make us feel so scrappy and I realise that now since having Wolfie at home in lockdown. I don’t think we’re meant to walk out I’d the door and grab and befriend the first person we see. Like any relationship, it takes finding a small number of crazy individuals who’s crazy matches our own hehe. You too my sweet! I hope it’s warmer there than it surely is here! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

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